I have a social policy exam tomorrow at noon. We get to bring in an 8 1/2 by 11'' piece of paper with cheat notes. We are allowed to fill both sides of this paper. Our exam consists of 12 true or false questions and one essay. Our review lists three possible questions, we have to prepare two of them and choose one once we get the exam. Our prof gave us hints as to which question will not be on the exam. And by a hint I mean she explicitly said question number 3 will not be on the exam. Therefore I only have to prepare one essay answer. I chose number one because it’s straightforward. Thanks to our cheat sheet I have had to dedicate a whole ZERO hours of my time to studying. I have not studied other then writing down certain information that I don't think I'll remember. My essay is written out. I've never been so relaxed the night before an exam.
The boy thing is going well. We like each other. We cuddled all night and watched Robin Williams Live on Broadway. I laughed and then tried to make myself feel better for laughing at derogatory and discriminating jokes by pointing out how oppressive they are. He thinks I'm cute when I do things like that. I still don't know if we're "dating". It hasn't been specifically decided either way. I introduced him to my roommate and her boyfriend. He told me that he told his cousin and best friend about me. But the context in which I introduced him and I was described to his cousin was not clear.
Remember when we were little and in grade seven and someone passed you a note that said "so-and-so wants to go out with you ...do you want to go out with so-and-so? Write back". And if you wrote back "ok" then they were suddenly your boy/girlfriend? That was simple. Even in grade ten, I had my best friend call the boy I liked to come to my birthday party (while I was standing right beside her) and then that night she asked him if he liked me and when he said yes she organized our whole "getting together". The next morning I got a bouquet of flowers and he was my boyfriend until just before I graduated high school.
Then we broke up and I was eighteen and in the strange middle ground of not really teenage, not really grown-up dating. I had a broken heart and an urge to explore. And after a meaningful but mutually dependent and unhealthy relationship that lasted only a couple of months, my jumping from boy to boy, string of first (but no second) dates, and generally "wild phase" if you want to call it that, began. While extremely intoxicating, it became tiresome and predictable. Going out night after night, meeting boy after boy (very few of whom can I even remember first names of), waking up feeling sick and slightly embarrassed and generally feeling unfulfilled.
Now I'm 20 years old in 21 days. I'm not a teenager. I'm a full fledged adult by numerical status. My mom was married at this point in her life. I have this nice, genuine, sheltered, value holding boy hanging around, buying me dinner and giving me massages and I don't know what to feel about the situation. I don't know if I should ask him if we're boyfriend/girlfriend or just let it progress naturally. I don't know how these mature relationships work. I know that I'd be uncomfortable if he went out with another girl. But as of yet, our relationship hasn't been defined so do I even have the right to feel like that? I certainly can't ASK him if he's dating other people. Even as I type that I know it's a crazy thought. He's not dating other girls. We're just both progressing at a really slow pace. That could indicate a really great relationship is to follow.
My family (the older generation at least) are expecting me to settle down soon. My mom has backed off the boyfriend talk CONSIDERABLY since I told her about this boy. I know she was worried about me and my actions. She was uncomfortable with my nonchalant acceptance of my single status. She was unhappy with my high number of first dates that evolved into nothing. In the four months I spent living back at home last summer (something that will never be repeated) she met Matt and seemed to catch on to the jist of our relationship. I made out with one guy I've known since grade seven and when she found that out she wasn't happy with the way I waved it off as a drunken encounter and nothing else.
She wants me to respect myself. I do respect myself. I'm not ashamed of the things I've done in the past. I have one regret but I'm not ashamed. I regret that my age and hormones took over in the heat of the moment and that I didn't have a stronger sense of right and wrong at that time but I'm not ashamed. I didn't (and still don't) feel like I traded in my self worth and self esteem for a casual sex partner. I regret what it did to my relationship and I regret that I used him as a way to end said relationship but I'm not ashamed.
I am worried about the eventual "how many people have you been with" talk though. He is a 20 year old virgin. For me, that shipped sailed somewhere around grade 11. Since then boys have come and boys have gone. The number isn't outrageous and it's not even high. But compared to zero, even saying it's in the single digits is like stamping your forehead with the words "GETS AROUND". He's not upset that I'm not a virgin. He says it's hot. I think my worries stem from a fear of being judged. I can't lie to him because that's just unsafe and would come out eventually anyways. I don't want him to feel like he's one of the many. And for that reason much talk of my past has been small and short lived. I justify it by telling myself that we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend so it's not his business anyways.
Is it wrong to be excited about the fact that this boy is so sheltered? I had a guy friend say jokingly "wow he's an innocent one ... I give it a couple months before you've manipulated him into the same kind of person you are". I don't know how to take that. It's a rude remark towards my being a tad wild since he's known me. I've struggled a lot in the past with my feelings regarding how I treat the opposite sex when they're weaker then I am. Or at least weaker then I perceive myself to be in relationships. I myself have used the word manipulation several times in describing my dealings with boys. I'd like to think that I've grown out of that. I certainly feel like I have. I think that particular attribute came out after my heart was broken and I was thrust into a dating world that had changed completely. I took advantage of one boy just to get that loved feeling back. I manipulated him into thinking I loved him.
That's not the way I am anymore. If my parents separating has taught me anything, it's that things only work the way you want them to if you work towards them. My parents didn't do that and now my dad's living in a small, one bedroom apartment (that I have yet to see), drinking and smoking pot and subsequently forgetting to pick up my brother or leaving intoxicated messages on my moms cell phone; my mom is disappearing under all her debt, drinking to excess (only she hides it better then my dad), partying with her other separated friends but at least staying sober during the important times. I've learned from them what I don't want to be. I don't want to talk about them and their latest actions or antics as I have become to call them. That's another entry for another time. This one is long enough anyways.
My point summed up in one sentence you ask???
I like this boy; I feel warm when we're cuddled on my bed and I'm happy and over thinking the whole situation.
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exhausted
happy
energetic
cranky
sick
contemplative
blah